I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
