note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
you would pick up someone in the library
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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