apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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