either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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