I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
