you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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