Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
