my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
