im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
