I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
