im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
