I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
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aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
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I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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