Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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