so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
