sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Every concussion has its silver lining
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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