one word: firstdatebathroomanal
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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