I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize