My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
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