Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize