my vag is so smooth its legendary
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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