allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Randomize
