White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
