Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
