Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
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admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
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I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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