I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
