its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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