I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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