drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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