1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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