If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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