I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
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