yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Randomize
