sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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