I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Randomize
