Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
