pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
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Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
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I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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