How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
