just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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