he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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