I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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