you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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