Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
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