Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
