How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
