He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Randomize
