Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
