The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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