apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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