I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I think I sprained my soul last night
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
