I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
