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you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
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