you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.