just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.