I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
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