remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
